Ego - Join the FIGHT CLUB?

There are things that can trigger insecurities within us, be they external or internal. I found myself stumbling, not tripping on my shoe laces this time, but struck to inner grounds by faults. Sometimes we look for excuses as to why we should sink so low beneath us. We ought to stand up for our choices instead even when we have wronged. Accept the trespass. Ok. That's all right, we might be wrong. Our faults are not a part of our identity.

For the most part when we feel sorry or guilty it means that we got a conscience (or it is echoes of a past etched into our behaviour). A healthy conscience a beautiful mechanism to make us aware of the path we want to go and warn us when we start to stray from it. The reminders can be painful, but when you fall you have the chance to get up and do things a little differently. You don't stay down for days, weeks or even longer when you trip in the real world to wallow in pity and curse yourself. That's only what we might do in our heads and hearts from time to time. How strange that would be if our physical self would do exactly the same as our mental self. Just imagine... what kind of fight club scenes would become a regular part of our everyday life?

 No fear. No distractions. The ability 

to let all that which does not matter slide. 

So what am I beating myself up about? To not get into a specific situation, I got a nasty greed in my heart... It eats the good things and it always craves more. The thing about greed is you can never satisfy it. Atleast not for long. My greed likes to win, get attention, own and get the sensation of new materialistic belongings. Greed likes to think it needs to be heard all the time. Greed thinks the universe revolves around it. Greed is childish, irrational and a goddamned baby that will tear down everything to get it's attention and toys. We must recognize that this destructive habit is a monster which we can choose to adopt but we can also choose to feed it or not. It's not a cute pet, actually it's more of a parasite of the mind. Manipulative and dangerous as it can disguise itself in our voice repeating the disempowering mantras I, I, I, I, I, and me, me, me, me, me.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand;

they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen R Covey (author)

What to do? 
- Notice when the ego and greed is at work. Study it. Take note of what makes it grow.
- When you know what makes it grow try to strangle the source. Either cut down gradually or it off completely. I find Maun Vrat (see earlier post) to be an efficient way of silencing the ego and land in the moment. Of course it can in our society be hard to engage in complete silence but you can choose to try and only say the absolute necessities for a while.
- Meditate on gratitude and the moment.
- Reconnect with your true self. Now you don't have rush off on a quest to know who you are. If you feel you don't know, just know that you are complete in this moment exactly as you are. The basic things are all you really need. Everything else is excess.
- Step out of the self by listening to your surroundings or by keeping your physical or mental training steadily moving forward.
- Discipline is a great tool for mastering the ego. Moderation, self-control and keeping promises and plans. Be honest when you can't follow through. Keep your goals realistic.
- Try to be as humble as you can by admitting your mistakes, practise acceptance, forgivness but above all love.

A time to contemplate.

Photography by Malin Sandhu.

Stop fighting yourself.
Master your mind and you won't have to smack yourself in the face every time to wake up to the actual situation. It is with a gratitude I receive this lesson, although somewhat resisting it at first. I hope that by sharing this I might help fellow souls on their journey.

I might be a bit quiet for a while now. All the best.

The three lessons.

I went to two very different classes yesterday: Yin yoga in the morning at Drottning Victorias Vilohem in Borgholm and then Global yoga at Namayoga in Kalmar.

 What's Yin yoga? 
Yin means heaven or a force of expansion. A type of yoga based on the old Chinese Tao yoga. Through this yoga you work with your flexibility and endurance. You hold the asanas and for a few minutes as you focus on the breath, moving more and more into the position as you breathe out. The yin yoga puts emphasis on activating hips, pelvis and lower part of your spine. It's soft and meditative. You really listen to your body as you stretch.
The class I went to was short (ca 45 minutes) small and cozy. It doesn't feel like a workout, more like meditation in which the body sometimes gets involved. Nurturing and caring. The good thing about breakfast yoga was that us participants could stay in the mindset and discuss together after the class rather then rushing off into the rest of the day. I even stayed longer to reflect alone over a cup of tea, waiting out the summer rain.

 What's Global yoga? 
East meets West in a pretty new type of yoga by Swedish founder Johanna Andersson. What signifies this style is that it's a faster playful and energetic mix of different types of yoga from many of the corners of our globe, but it's made for the fast paced urban humans of our time in a society where the body doesn't move around as much as the brain does. So it's a lot of physical exercise intertwined with stillness of the mind. Every class has an "intention" - a message to reflect upon. You can also have a free intention which is you pay extra attention to something, like focussing on healing or bringing energy to a certain part of your body or soul. Here's global yoga's manifesto:

Yesterday's intention was 

"Have faith that everything you need will come to you." 

I've been to global yoga before at Ananda yoga studio. This time it was different. Since I still have some kind of infection I was sweating furiously and experiencing a major "setback". It was a 75 minute session, noone was a beginner and we were about 8 participants. Since it was the first time I was with a friend at yoga class I think my showoff side woke up and even though I heard my body saying no I didn't always listen. So today my knees are barely good for walking and I'm feverish and cold. At first it made me angry having to "surrender" to my physical limitations but I realized this was the third lesson of the day. One which I will never forget. An important lesson that I had to learn. The suffering is mostly of my own making for I wasn't humble enough to accept it yesterday. If it's a lesson you're ignoring the test will come to you over and over until you pass. 

Thank you dear body for your patience with me when I'm a stubborn child. I'm sorry I didn't listen. I'm sorry I hurt you. Thank you for teaching me to be humble. It was much needed. 

In our family it seems we're really good at getting passionate about things, always up to something, getting involved to the point where the rest of the world is seemingly forgotten. This is sometimes said to be characteristics of an artist which of course I was proud to have. We do need to get better at simply being without analyzing or thinking "what can I make out of this?" without wanting. Without judging. Without doing. Only breathing and accepting

this is me now

this is now

this is

it is

"Life is school..."

Today's conclusion:

People aren't that bad.

People are that bad.

Flaw gave opportunity for positive feedback. Nothing's ever just one thing. 

Short shift ahead of me then two days off. 

Found a lot of reasons to laugh today, despite the hard work.

Finally signed up for yoga class with work which will be Tuesday, wednesday and Thursday. Lookin' forward to it. Managed only 15 minutes of yoga in the morning, because the body really said no. Have to respect it.

Made it home before the rain came.

Food on the table. Watermelon after. Shower. Nap. Just a few asanas and some meditation. 

Yoga. Work. Eat. Sleep. Yoga. Sleep. Yoga. Eat. Work....

That's what it is right now. So simple.

"Life is school 

and the tests 

will continue 

until you graduate."

Live like you learn

It had been a while since I was last faced with a design related task. Design has always been like lover to me. The incredible passion that fills you with fun ideas and you just want to spend time together. Unfortunately we've kind of lost echother. It had become too destructive. I was giving, but not getting anything back, or rather, giving all I got to the point there was none of me left for me. Then yesterday we met again through the design application for Broby Grafiska which was due today. At once I remembered why I fell for design and why we fell apart. When you get stuck in a destructive relationship there are three different ways you can go:

1. You can go down with the ship.

2. You can leave the ship and either swim for your life or hold onto something else as you watch it sink before your eyes.

3. You can row it ashore and make it better then try again.

And if you can't decide which way to go 

then you can always go for the classic rock, paper, scissors....

(this picture is a detail from the application)

Since I've put a lot of work into this design passion, I'm not willing to let her sink. I'll have the number 3, please!

Since stress is commonly based on our way of handling different situations (or rather failing to do so) I assume I need to change my relationship toward design. If I look at what happens with me when I work with design it's pretty much the opposite of the outcome of yoga. The breath quickens and becomes shallow as if I had ran a marathon, the posture becomes slouchy and hopeless or locked into unnatural unbalanced tense positions for a long time. The perspective tends to change aswell. My own value goes down as the urgency to accomplish greatness goes up. This makes it easy to forget or ignore oneself and ones needs. You "don't have time" for breaks, although deep down you know you work better if you take them. 

The common denominators that can be found in yoga and working with design are that they are both about finding focus to be able to reflect, create, develop and perfect. To reach a higher place. Exceed imagination. Yet, the result for me are worlds apart, atleast when it comes to wellness.

The universe has it's way of bringing us exactly what we need. Although I managed the assignment I still failed myself. Just barely making the deadline, stressed, hungry, worn and still not satisfied with my performance. There were three ways I could look upon it. The same as above. So I decided to row it ashore and make it better... Remember how I said I wish I could bring what I feel on the yoga mat with me as I do other things? Here's some of the best of yoga that I wish to apply on my relationship to the design process:

THE MINDSET - EVERYTHING IS TRAINING

In yoga you're not demanding immediate perfection. Partially because you know it can always get better and because you know you're just a student in training. With this attitude you can be more patient with yourself and give it more time to strive upwards. You'll feel satisfied knowing that you're just doing you're best. 

THE STRATEGY - WISE TIME USE

Yoga is practised in sessions, gradually and smoothly working to reach your goal. The practise is daily and vary from being short reminders of mindfulness to one hour or longer sessions. Limiting your focus time ensures that you're not wearing yourself out, even though you take the time to challenge yourself. 

ONE MORE THING: DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU DO IT

This is kind of a mantra for me. Yoga when you yoga. Find your space, piece of mind. Quiet as possible, or with music if it helps you relax. Everything I do on the yoga mat is yoga or meditation related. Prioritize yoga. No multitasking. No procrastination. No distractions. No excuses. 

The outcome of working with design related tasks, even though I love it, is so different because I've been doing the opposite. It will take a lot of practise. I've spent many hours building these destructive tendencies. You must know it is not a part of you. If you're aware you will notice the roots of your behaviour before you trip on them. 

Better than reality - bad habit.

I used to be a big time snoozer and honestly the first thought that appears when the alarm clock goes off is still sometimes oh how sweet it would be to fall asleep again. Please just a little bit more... 

NO. 

Why? 

You will not enjoy it as much as you enjoy the thought of it AND it even tends to make you more tired. If it's hard for you to wake up then why on earth would you force yourself to do it more than once? 

The mornings are becoming more sacred. As appreciated as important. I'm always eager to get up "earlier" for morning yoga. This really helps waking up on the "right" side. Good attitude, good connection with the present, body and mind. So get up when you wake up! I clean my mouth and grab a glass of lemon water. Lit candle. Hit the mat. Timer and inspiration book at the side. The best way to feel when the timer beeps is relieved and disappointed at the same time. Because it should be demanding (in a good way.)

The body is used to it now. When I take it away I feel it the same and the next day. Something's missing hmm? Looks like it's finally become a habit, a routine. Getting more and more into the mindset, understanding more, being more present... but of what value is knowledge if it can't be put into practise?
I'm looking forward to when I can bring the mindset out in the "real world". When I can feel around people what I'm feeling in my yogic training... As always the mind is good at the associating game, usually linking things to the past or future, away from the present moment. This time it was the past.
... A few years ago I had enough. I just wanted to up and leave this society. I desperately wanted to find an ashram in India and find that peace. It's a good thought, but if the words of monk Thích Nhất Hạnh "there's no enlightment outside of daily life" are true then... OK, let's say I went to an ashram. Let's say I found that peace, but how would I bring it back with me? How could I fit it into the daily life with all it's stress, pressure and rules? With all the places, faces and things distracting me. It would be easier to find peace in an ashram becasue you would have the perfect setting, the perfect schedule, the perfect peer pressure and the perfect way of life served for you. Devoting your life to peace and making it a priority you would find it faster. Out here it's more difficult. Then again if you manage to center yourself and stabilize despite all the noise of the world around you then you would have no transition problem, no adjusting problem and you wouldn't long for the ashram whenever things weren't heading "your way". You would have the strength of making it on your own. Yes, it is harder to find here but easier to keep because it is tailored for your particular life situation. Don't get me wrong, I would still like to visit an ashram, monks and all, but not in desperate pursuit of peace. If you chase it you can't catch it, but if you sit down patiently it will come to you, no matter where you are.

By the way, it looks like there will be breakfast yoga three days of the week for the staff at work. Thank you universe!

Sometimes the thought is "better" than reality.

We tend to glorify our bad habits.

Always remember

it's a choice between

what you want NOW 

and 

 what you want the most.

Stages of silence - Maun Vrat.

On a day off I highly recommend you to engage in silence. 

I've done this a few times now and it's an important experience. The thing with choosing silence is that you practise your discipline, your focus, listening and acceptance, as well as non verbal communication skills. I noticed there are a few stages I usually go through when I go into silence, of course it depends on circumstances and objectives. I often engage in silence when I feel I've accumulated too much negativity to the point it's is spilling out my mouth. To avoid a domino effect of bad vibes and to instead regain control I simply shut up, without shutting myself in. Even though this is a good method of self reflection I recommend one to focus on the surrounding, being present and trying to experience things as they are. 

It's important that you if you live with someone let them know before you engage in silence. You don't need a fancy explanation. Wanting to try something is a valid reason. 

I live with my father and he was often annoyed in the beginning (and after a few days he got used to it and was almost disappointed when I started talking again haha!) At first he would ask questions frequently expecting a immediate response. 

The cool thing about being in a conversation when not verbally communicating is that you will listen more, because you're not focussing on your turn to speak. This might engage the person you're "talking to" to actually open up more. Some of my dad's best stories have been told when I was in silence. Last time he told me

"You know... the gurus and sadhus also go into silence, it is an old technique. Their followers explain to others that come to see the guru that the guru is in Maun Vrat, in silence. So the visitors still come to ask their questions and they will find their answers even though the guru never said a word."

I'm no guru, but I believe there is one in all of us. I also believe in the silence as a method for discovery within and without ourselves. Upon my last time of silence the stages I went through were something like this: 

Frustration:

- I have something I want to say!

- It's important!

- I don't know how to answer that without words

- I want to interrupt you

- I don't agree because... ARGH I can't say that without words!

- I just thought of something I think you would like to hear

- Look at me, my eyes want to say something! 

You're totally at the mercy of the other one when you're communicating with your eyes and gestures, if it's not physical you need them to look. They will not always look when you "need" them to, meaning they are to a large extent deciding when it's your turn to speak. 

Restlessness:

- So...what to do when we don't talk?

- I want to sing

- I want to vent (this is usually code for complaining)

- Do I have to listen to this?

Adjusting:

- Ok, so I don't talk. 

This is when thoughts begin to calm down. 

Changing pace of thinking and the senseless ranting will quiet down.

Changing communication method exaggerating non verbal expressions.

Engaging in the conversation in a simplified way. This rules out nagging, the unimportant bits because who wants to small talk when it's a hassle just being understood? 

Listening more (and noticing more of the other one's non verbal communication)

Long or short silence. It usually happens when the other one's done talking (even the most talkative person will quiet sometime) and we're not filling in with most likely our own opinion or a repetition of what the other one's said in other words... or subject change... which in Sweden eventually ends up in a weather forecast. There will be more silence when you're not talking.

Reflection: 

-I know I can't say what I'm thinking, but what would I say if I could?

-How would the other one react? Can I say it in a better way?

-Why do I feel the need to say it?

-Is it important?

Here's where you start to change your automatic responses, because you will not have an immediate reaction anymore. 

Gratitude:

Enjoying the conversation more.

Enjoying the silence more.

The most important things can be said without words.

Looking forward to when you can speak again. 

Hopefully more aware of how powerful and beautiful words are. 

They're a gift that we're constantly giving and recieving.

This happened on an afternoon. It's good to stay in silence for a longer time to really clear your head. Beware of cutting yourself off from the world or getting stuck in negative thought. The best way to do this is to be as present as possible, enjoying the sensations of the body and surroundings. This time I had focus on my breath and the feeling of my feet. I've done up to about four days with different stages and results, 

but always ended up in gratitude.

Look again. See the bird? Would you have seen it if I hadn't said it?

The good, the bad and the patience.

It's easy to be harsh toward one's self. I can be really tough and impatient sometimes.

Thankfully yoga helps notice when that's happening and quiet down the harsh ruler who wants perfection now, without working for it. There's no instant change. You can't get SUDDENLY SUPER FLEXIBLE. The body doesn't work that way. You have to build it. With the slow progress comes the more sustainable result.

It's quite common to be more flexible on one side than the other. For me left has always been the "good side" while right just needs more time. More practise. More patience. More understanding.

I used to press the right side until it hurt. This is the greatest difference between regular exercise and yoga. The awareness. You have to listen to your body. No means no, maybe means ok go until no. Never go past no.

There's an asana where you connect your hands behind back with one elbow reaching up and one down. I tried a few times but just couldn't reach. Then a few nights ago while I was brushing my teeth I had one hand behind my back. Then I started wondering... how far can it go? The pose came into my head and I let go of the toothbrush to reach the left hand with my right. WOW!

So how do I practice the right side for this?

Grab a scarf. Hold one end with your left hand. Breathe in and lift the scarf up above your head and as you breathe out fold the arm above your head behind your back. You don't have to reach far. Take the right hand behind your back and reach up, grabbing the other end of the scarf. Very gently pull the scarf, bringing your right hand just a little further up your back every time that you breathe in. Just a little bit more. Just as far as feels comfortable. Stay. Breathe 5 more deep breaths through the nose. Exhale as you slowly let go. Then use your right hand to gently pull down the left. 5 breaths. Let go and exhale. Remember to do the exercise on both sides to maintain balance. Eventually when the time is right. You won't need the scarf anymore!

The great thing is that it gets easier each time. I still can't reach the other way, but there's great comfort in knowing that it's possible. Yesterday the fingertips touched and that's enough progress to keep me going. 

The full breath

We come with a lot of built in mechanisms. One of them is the breath. Our lives are depending on it. We're born with the breath and we will surely depart together with it. We think we know what we're doing but most of us are actually taking shallow breaths, only using the very top of our lungs. This results in quick breathing, less emotional and physical resilience and not getting as much air as we actually could... and should! By using the full potential of our breath we get more oxygen, better blood circulation, immune system and we also become more present. Our mind follows our breath and our body follows our mind.

Why should we breathe through the nose? As he air goes through the nasal passage the temperature and moisture of the air is adjusted to suit our bodies. When you breathe through the mouth it doesn't have a filter like the nose so we're exposed to more bacteria and the mouth becomes dry with an increased bad breath, risk of cavities and gum disease. It is also not possible to breathe as slow and take up the oxygen properly when using the mouth.

So we can reduce stress and boost energy instantly by just adding awareness into what we're already doing? You don't need to sit in a lotus with your hands in mudras (certain powerful hand gestures) and focus on the third eye, but if you can you're welcome to. What you really need is just a moment and focus. Do you want to enhance yourself? The breath is up to you!

Monkey mind - mindfulness refill, please!

Worn out. Got up early and did a few yoga moves. Then tried to invent a bicycle meditation on the way to work. The attitude was there, the physical energy too, but the mind adrift as it tends to do when one is mentally exhausted. If there's a parallell universe I was surely there today. In this universe everything was going right and in the real one where everyone else seemed to be... not so much. Some days are like that, especially for us dreamers with the imagination intense enough to be confused with reality. This makes it easier to fall back into old patterns like the clumsy, monkey minded girl whose thoughts are "jumping from tree to tree with no destination"... It's like this too with unwanted thoughts while meditating. They're usually only distractions without any deeper meaning. Echoes of another time. Sometimes we fall back into old ways of thinking, one doesn't simply change habits over a night.
It takes practise. Stay calm.
Forgive yourself. You are still learning.

You need focus for meditation. The mind goes elswhere? Take note, but don't take it in. Let go. Bring yourself back to the moment. Welcome yourself and be happy that you noticed and returned back into your body. Be patient. Determined. Repeat it as long as it takes. After a while the mind will learn its place is here with you. The present moment. I imagine it's something like breaking in a wild horse. There are different ways of doing it. I prefer a gentle way.

To avoid monkey mind you need set up goals and work to reach them. If it's to perform on a occasion then it's important to be as prepared as possible and always see the best outcome. Really imagine it with all senses. See yourself where you want to be. Then when the moment comes. Be there.

Tomorrow is my first 5 o clock (YES IN THE MORNING!) shift of three in a row. Bingo?
Determined to do it and do it well!
How to prepare?
- Pack the day before
- Sleep well
- Cleansing lemon water and morning yoga
- Cold shower, bring breakfast to work (no biking while digesting)
- Bicycle meditation
- Be on time. Do your best. Always.
DO WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU DO IT

Already set up goals for work... and the yoga? Next time, Inspector Yogi... Next time.