The lost sparks.

The conversations I have with my oldest sister. They're incredibly inspiring but at times tough. She always seems to say what I need to hear. The resistance I feel usually means that there's some truth in the remark. At times the sudden bright light can hurt the eyes, but eventually they adjust.

We have been discussing gender a lot. It's a topic that really gets me fired up at times. Heart pounding anger, bitterness and sadness for the injustice that is and has been. Thankfully meditation and yoga helps me to step away and view it from some distance. I think some of my bitterness is my own creation. The belief that I somehow would be limited by what society identifies me as. We created society, who should have the power but us? I am part of the society. I am one of the labellers. The more I open up to the fact that everything has more than one side and more than one truth the less limited I feel. The sex doesn't matter. The skin doesn't matter. The length or width of our bodies don't matter. The symmetry of your face is no matter.

What matters is ignorance. The knowledge that's somehow lost because of faulty education. The traditional echoes of the past are there most of the time not because people are idiots or intentionally mean, but because they just don't know better. We might think the teachers are our teachers but truth is we learn from the ones who raise us and we inherit their thoughts and beliefs to a large extent. We can change our minds, but not without first being aware of our "recorded" messages, that we're just repeating. We need to separate our own thoughts from things we've just picked up from others. We're often thinking of humans as intellectual. Sometimes I think that's our greatest flaw because it even makes us stupid as we tend to complicate things for ourselves.

What really matters is that we're not happy. Sometimes because we're victimizing ourselves and others. We're trying to change "us" or "them" with force instead of understanding and accepting. I'd like to simply emphasise our need to wake up and see the real issues. Don't get me wrong, I still want to fight the injustice and I still want equality, but I don't feel it's doing anyone good to be in constant fight mode. Sure it's energizing sometimes to just pour out your oh so important opinion but carrying anger is harmful in the long run. I'm asking myself what good has the rage brought onto the face of feminism? Don't waste your breath on angry monolgues for closed minds and ears. Pick your fights. Pick the ones that truly matter. If you feel that something is missing then find it! Something I missed in my childhood was a hero. Someone who I could look up to. I didn't think there was any woman out there to inspire me to greatness beyond appearance. I was too focussed on how little women were mentioned in history to see the ones that actually stood out despite everything. Now that my eyes are searching they seem to be everywhere. They're brilliant and they're filling me with hope... For the future generations. Not because women and men will be equal, but because they already are and we still have the chance to understand it. To lay down our swords and embrace eachother as the same. We're all from the same place and heading the same direction.

One of my greatest teachers, whom I've for a long time not accepted as a teacher (here it goes with the resistance again...) taught me my greatest lesson so far. We are creators. Of ourselves, our reality and the ripples of the universe around us. Even though little grains of sand can make rings on the surface we need to look beyond it. Beyond the labels. Beyond what eyes can see.

I saw a photo from a time where I was not yet on this earth. You both had a spark in your eyes. I saw another photo where I was in the picture and your spark was nolonger there. At first it made me sad, but now I'd like to think it wasn't lost. I'd like to think that me and my sisters are the same sparks in physical form. Born into this world from love, from passion and from the ultimate power of creativity. It is my honor to be a spark.  

Stages of silence - Maun Vrat.

On a day off I highly recommend you to engage in silence. 

I've done this a few times now and it's an important experience. The thing with choosing silence is that you practise your discipline, your focus, listening and acceptance, as well as non verbal communication skills. I noticed there are a few stages I usually go through when I go into silence, of course it depends on circumstances and objectives. I often engage in silence when I feel I've accumulated too much negativity to the point it's is spilling out my mouth. To avoid a domino effect of bad vibes and to instead regain control I simply shut up, without shutting myself in. Even though this is a good method of self reflection I recommend one to focus on the surrounding, being present and trying to experience things as they are. 

It's important that you if you live with someone let them know before you engage in silence. You don't need a fancy explanation. Wanting to try something is a valid reason. 

I live with my father and he was often annoyed in the beginning (and after a few days he got used to it and was almost disappointed when I started talking again haha!) At first he would ask questions frequently expecting a immediate response. 

The cool thing about being in a conversation when not verbally communicating is that you will listen more, because you're not focussing on your turn to speak. This might engage the person you're "talking to" to actually open up more. Some of my dad's best stories have been told when I was in silence. Last time he told me

"You know... the gurus and sadhus also go into silence, it is an old technique. Their followers explain to others that come to see the guru that the guru is in Maun Vrat, in silence. So the visitors still come to ask their questions and they will find their answers even though the guru never said a word."

I'm no guru, but I believe there is one in all of us. I also believe in the silence as a method for discovery within and without ourselves. Upon my last time of silence the stages I went through were something like this: 

Frustration:

- I have something I want to say!

- It's important!

- I don't know how to answer that without words

- I want to interrupt you

- I don't agree because... ARGH I can't say that without words!

- I just thought of something I think you would like to hear

- Look at me, my eyes want to say something! 

You're totally at the mercy of the other one when you're communicating with your eyes and gestures, if it's not physical you need them to look. They will not always look when you "need" them to, meaning they are to a large extent deciding when it's your turn to speak. 

Restlessness:

- So...what to do when we don't talk?

- I want to sing

- I want to vent (this is usually code for complaining)

- Do I have to listen to this?

Adjusting:

- Ok, so I don't talk. 

This is when thoughts begin to calm down. 

Changing pace of thinking and the senseless ranting will quiet down.

Changing communication method exaggerating non verbal expressions.

Engaging in the conversation in a simplified way. This rules out nagging, the unimportant bits because who wants to small talk when it's a hassle just being understood? 

Listening more (and noticing more of the other one's non verbal communication)

Long or short silence. It usually happens when the other one's done talking (even the most talkative person will quiet sometime) and we're not filling in with most likely our own opinion or a repetition of what the other one's said in other words... or subject change... which in Sweden eventually ends up in a weather forecast. There will be more silence when you're not talking.

Reflection: 

-I know I can't say what I'm thinking, but what would I say if I could?

-How would the other one react? Can I say it in a better way?

-Why do I feel the need to say it?

-Is it important?

Here's where you start to change your automatic responses, because you will not have an immediate reaction anymore. 

Gratitude:

Enjoying the conversation more.

Enjoying the silence more.

The most important things can be said without words.

Looking forward to when you can speak again. 

Hopefully more aware of how powerful and beautiful words are. 

They're a gift that we're constantly giving and recieving.

This happened on an afternoon. It's good to stay in silence for a longer time to really clear your head. Beware of cutting yourself off from the world or getting stuck in negative thought. The best way to do this is to be as present as possible, enjoying the sensations of the body and surroundings. This time I had focus on my breath and the feeling of my feet. I've done up to about four days with different stages and results, 

but always ended up in gratitude.

Look again. See the bird? Would you have seen it if I hadn't said it?

She's a GOAL DIGGER.

Just like there is a song for everything there is an asana for every occasion. If you really want something you'll find a way. You'll find time. You'll find space.

Wake up. Yoga. Before work. Yoga. Before lunch. Yoga. After work. Yoga. Before dinner. Yoga. You're just in the mood for it. Yoga. Before sleep. Yoga.

I woke up to yoga and I came home to yoga. I will go to sleep with yoga.

The more you practise, the better you get. The better you get the more you'll want to do it. It's a positive upward spiral.

Finally set my yogi goals for the summer.

When this summer is over I will:

-Have integrated yoga into everyday life

-Have chosen yoga path to make my own

-Be able to do a headstand for atleast 10 seconds

-Be able to put my feet behind my ear

-Feel alright with the pigeon pose (eka pada rajakapotasana) 

Right now, apart from posture, I'm mostly focusing on breathing. That's where it all starts. In the breath. 

If you have the opportunity to feel anxious or afraid take a moment to study yourself. Has your breathing strayed? Is it racing away? I know this to be true almost without exception. If I'm stressed the breath is fast and unsteady. This is also a good measurement of your feelings. When you notice your breath is quickening without being physically active or experiencing positive excitement I would like to advise you to check yourself before you wreck yourself (yes, that's an IceCube reference). Where's your thoughts at? Just notice if it's positive or negative thoughts. If it's negative, leave them and focus on the breath. Slow it down. Feel how relaxation enters your body as you breathe in and stress and negativity leaves as you breathe out. By paying attention to your breath you will be able to control your emotions and see the "natural disasters" before they happen so you can hit the breaks. Usually works the other way when we're not aware.

To have a sentance or two as reminders also works well for me. When I get upset I remind myself to take responsibility for my feelings. They're up to me, not anyone else, even though it might seem so at times. 

Another thing to remember is that stress isn't bad. It's actually good for you. It's a built in mechanism to help you be alert and do your best. There's a good ted talk on the subject by psychologist Kelly McGonigal.

Speaking of stress... got up at 3:30 am to prepare for work. I had spoken to the oldest of my sister the day before who said "I bet it's really beautiful outside at that time". Sure, I thought. She was right though. I got to see the sunrise scenery on my way to work. Öland has never in my 25 years been this beautiful. I fell in love with the sky and felt truly blessed for getting this experience. Wahe Guru!

Ps. Didn't take a picture. But imagine an explosion of your favorite colors. Bham! The magic kind of dies when we take a picture. What's that old belief about preserving souls in photographs? Instagram...a graveyard?